I fear red ink.

Before I presented my thesis proposal to the English Faculty, there was a trial run. First, I would pitch my proposal to my classmates. It was supposed to be a safe space, but I was still nervous. After sharing my ideas, I waited for questions, but I didn’t have to wait long. Hand after hand went up, and I began to defend my paper. I started off strong, but with each new question my confidence chipped away, and I began to recognize all of the holes in my argument. Finally, time was up, and I went back to my seat. The girl next to me slid two fruit snacks my way.

My throat tightened, and I knew what was coming, but I wouldn’t cry in front of my classmates. As soon as class ended, I hurried to my car.

This is good. It’s better
I found out
now. This is what
practice runs are for.
I’ll be prepared
next time. 

As soon as I got home, I sat down at the kitchen table. My husband, Danny, had tacos waiting for me. He asked me how it went.

I didn’t respond. I just cried while eating tacos. Then I went upstairs and cried some more.

**

Happy Saturday, ya’ll! For those of you who read my post called “My husband challenges me,” you know that I had to write 5,000 words by last Saturday. The reward: Disneyland. Just wanted to let ya’ll know that I made it and had a fantastic time!

Yesterday, I shared those 5,000 words with the chair of my thesis committee. Let’s just say, I got a lot of red ink. Tacos anyone?

Blogmas Day 6: This little light of mine

Happy Blogmas Day 6!

Six days ago, I created this page. My friend KaylaAnn briefly mentioned Blogmas, and I immediately thought, “Now’s my chance.” I’ve wanted to write; I’ve wanted to blog. But for whatever reason, I always found an excuse to avoid the plunge.

What made all the difference was her saying, let me help you get started. The next day, before I even knew what was happening, she had signed me up.

Since then, I’ve had several friends who have supported this new venture, my friend B. Golden in particular. We talk on the phone every “Thursday,” but for the past six days, every day has been Thursday, and now she’s writing more.

My brother even started blogging again.

I’m reminded of the Christmas tree lighting ceremony at my school last Wednesday. Each student was given a candle, and oh how those flecks of fire trickled from person to person.

To close this post, I’d like to end with Marianne Williamson’s “Our Deepest Fear.” I hope you take time to reflect on her words and become conscious of your own light and your ability to ignite others.

Our Deepest Fear
By Marianne Williamson

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness
That most frightens us.

We ask ourselves
Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.

Your playing small
Does not serve the world.
There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking
So that other people won’t feel insecure around you.

We are all meant to shine,
As children do.
We were born to make manifest
The glory of God that is within us.

It’s not just in some of us;
It’s in everyone.

And as we let our own light shine,
We unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we’re liberated from our own fear,
Our presence automatically liberates others.